It all starts with a boy...
This guy that I have been fawning over for the better part of a decade lives about 60 miles from me, but comes in town occasionally to see his mother (and bone me should I be so lucky). Ill call him Schmristian. Anypoot, we did the dirty the night of the St. Patty's Day Parade this year, but let me back up a little first.
That was a long day for me. I started drinking at 0900. And while I didn't get falling-out-of-a-truck-drunk', I was steadily drinking all day and throughout the night. I am about 79% sure that I have formulated my own "language" by the end of the evening. Reminiscing, I vaguely remember kissing a handful of boys that day, but the list of names escapes me now.
Creeping into the afternoon, I saw this guy that I have an on/off strictly physical thing with...lets call him Uncle Lonely (he is not really my Uncle, he is just this guy who looks significantly older than me) at an Irish bar and hung out with him for an hour or two (since the girls that I attended the parade with were being wet blankets). Uncle Lonely was completely shitfaced. I think Uncle Lonely went in for a smooch at one point, but then chomped down on my lip instead (because that is SOOO hilarious). Being the former tomboy that I am, assume I immediately retaliated. I gather that I must have retaliated with more enthusiasm that the original assault, because the next day Dear Uncle wouldn't shut up about how much his lip hurt, and how he may need a stitch, blah blah blah. Then, against my better judgment, I went to Uncle Lonely's house after the parade and took a nap with him. We messed around a bit, but nothing of note really happened.
Being the class act that I am, I left Senor Lonely in his bed to meet up with Schmristian at a dingy old bar. Schmristian and I do shots, dance around like idiots, and have a grand ole time. We go back to his moms (because he does not live here, remember?) where we proceed to have the sex. We tried with a condom at first, but the peen rejected it. I even remember drunkenly reminding him (as if he did not know already) that 'penises hate condoms'. I was soooo in love with him that night...and the next morning when we had the sex again. Seriously, I was convinced that it was gonna all work out for us (picking out china patterns in my head).
It was the Schmristian sex that landed me in the Pharmacy the next day to purchase emergency contraception from a visibly pregnant lady.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
It's an Oldie, but a Goodie
Greetings, Earth. As previously mentioned, I used to carry this thick notebook with me everywhere I went and would write things down when the mood struck.
I recently came across a bunch of entries and felt like I was walking down memory lane. It was sort of like a mini-yearbook of thoughts and situations. If any of you have kept journals, I suggest picking an old one. It was refreshing to see how far I have come both emotionally and creatively.
Below are a few of my favorite entries...I hope you enjoy!
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Current Mood: Confused
Title: The Prize Fighter**
Anxious and desperate...awaiting your nearness...the smell of your shirt...the way my lips taste after you kiss me...only another four days to wait...pondering preconceived notions...tic-toc-tic-toc...minutes pour like frozen molasses...an attempt at sleep would be futile...impatience...i feel like a child on Christmas eve...he is the shiny new tricycle, and all I am left with here is coal.
Some thing's missing...minus one-half...if absence makes the heart grow fond, then consider me smitten...the four day weekly leave has become unbearable...the desire...the necessity...the need to have your hands on me...the force that is you is a force to be reckoned with...apprehensive and the turn of every sentence...mustn't be 'emotionally slutty' bu revealing too much too soon...for that in itself would be the demise of this current bliss.
As regretfully expected, the warmth turns to coldness...in an instant everything is changed...I must push away with the force of a thousand men...a good offense is the best defense-right?...self-preservation is the name of my game...must hurt him before he hurts me-whoops, too late...everyone is camouflaged...everyone is working undercover...this is an abrupt ending to the movie...the outcome, of course, is nothing close to expectations...in the future I must not leave my nose wide open.
**This was written during one of my first monogamous relationship in years. We had been seeing each other almost two months and he wanted to "wait" to take the relationship to the next level because he "didn't want to mess it up". Which is all well and good, but then I got a phone call from a non-involved third party letting me know that he had been sleeping with not one, but two of my acquaintances. Lesson learned.
___________________________________________________________________
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Current Mood: Discontent
Title: Bon Voyage! Love, Xanax**
Hello there, friend...the all-too-familiar feeling hits...a sloth-like blanket of numbness covers me...I welcome the functionally-impaired reactions...it's like there are microscopic weights on my eyelids...thoughts are processed, but not hyper-analyzed...my heart is slowed to a bearable level...I now can make my escape...my exodus, if you will...
This feeling is immeasurable welcomed...it seems most of my life has been measured by how many hours I've been awake vs. asleep...I long for an infinite night...an everlasting string of good wine, exciting trysts, and no daylight...a world made made not of annoyingly chipper morning birds and coffee for corporate America, but unforgettable laughs and butterflies-inducing looks from across the room.
**I was deep down in an anti-anxiety haze and felt like trying to describe how it felt. Gotta love those little blues!
___________________________________________________________________
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Current Mood: Missing the Deceased
Title: Mental Ghost**
I close my eyes...in that brief moment, a quick lightening bolt of memory flashes...how he stroked my hair as my head lay on his lap...in that moment, so comfortable...exhaling as if for the first time ever...he would just let me be...just be...unfortunately our first kiss would be the last...also it would be the last time to look at his sweet face.
Then there is a necessity to reconstruct...assemble the worthy pieces that remain after demolition.
Be sure to close your eyes...drink him in...capture a mental picture and carve it in stone...unaware of when it's the last...never knowing if there's another chance to place your eyes on love.
**About three years prior to me writing this, a great friend of mine, WBC, was killed in a car crash. He got behind the wheel when he had too much to drink. It was a great loss made even more unbearable by he fact that he and I were playing phone tag in the month previous to his death. I had decided that I wanted to confess that I was in love with him. I never got that chance. To this day, I still have yet to meet anyone as genuine and sweet as he was.
___________________________________________________________________
Monday, January 1, 2007
Current Mood: Thankful
Title: Chicken + Pickle**
He was my human life jacket.
I was rapidly sinking in a quicksand of consecutive tragedies, was almost out of air, as near to death as ever before.
Then, unexpectedly, out came the sun. Out he came-burning my pale blue skin...keeping me warm...thawing my heart, and saving me from frostbite. In turn, the flowers began to grow again, making the air smell sweet.
He sutured my heart...making me want to heal it myself.
Even though we did not last, he will always be my knight in shimmery armor...and for that, I am eternally greatfull.
**About a year and a half prior to me writing this one, my best friend, DWO, was killed on his motorcycle. He was hit by a drunk driver that crossed three lanes to do so. That drunk driver killed the only person who ever knew me, and in an instant changed my life forever. DWO was going to be married in a couple months, had he survived. I miss him every day and am confident that my heart (nor I for that matter) will ever be healed from the pain of his absence.
A co-worker and I started dating not too long after my friend's death and I feel in some small way he brought me back from the dead. I was just feeling very greatful.
___________________________________________________________________
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Current Mood: Contemplative
Title: Blue Collar Love
His voice pulsates through my veins, slow and sweet like honey. His masculinity makes all my feminist ideals want to bow down and kiss the feet of their new Emperor.
I feel the roughness of his American Dream hands trace up and down the flesh of my back, and I am convinced that I could die happy in this moment of temporary Utopia.
He: Captivates, Intrigues, Excites, and Inspires me with nearly every move that he makes.
He: Is the catalyst of this record-breaking heart rate. Surely the poor, tired muscle will give in and combust...turning my insides into a gooey ice-age.
Here I am, forcing myself against my will out of his bead that I am figuratively chained to. I WILL procrastinate making my escape until the very last possible moment...postponing my exodus from the never dull, tantalizing place otherwise known as 'just laying next to him'.
**I think this one speaks for itself. This one is for a slightly more mature gentleman who I had the fortune of spending a handful of evenings with.
__________________________________________________________________
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Current Mood: Sympathetic
Title: The Fisherman
Shiny and attractive, glimmer-exuding want and desire...the Lure catches the eye and it's as if it is begging for you to play with it...taunting you every second with its little dance.
Be careful, there is no preventing what is to come next. These sharp edges will, in fact, cut you every time. You will be hooked with such depth and ease-like a knife penetrating warm butter. It is stubborn and strong in its grasp as to not let you escape...it will capture and keep you against your will, and before you realize, you will enjoy this kidnapping.
The inevitable is over. You have been thrown back to the site of your abduction...left for dead. Hurt and disoriented, it takes you eons to get over the completely unexplainable previous events. But by that time, you are already on your way to engage in a dance with a shiny new lure.
**I have this pattern that I have tried (and am still trying) to break: I fixate on someone. Work my ass off to get them. Once goal is obtained, I lose interest and move on to something else. This is, in my opinion, the ugliest part of me. It is a daily battle to achieve self-awareness, if for no other reason, to prevent hurting others. It rarely works out in my favor, but I have yet to give up the fight.
_________________________________________________________________
I recently came across a bunch of entries and felt like I was walking down memory lane. It was sort of like a mini-yearbook of thoughts and situations. If any of you have kept journals, I suggest picking an old one. It was refreshing to see how far I have come both emotionally and creatively.
Below are a few of my favorite entries...I hope you enjoy!
Part I:
__________________________________________________________________Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Current Mood: Confused
Title: The Prize Fighter**
Anxious and desperate...awaiting your nearness...the smell of your shirt...the way my lips taste after you kiss me...only another four days to wait...pondering preconceived notions...tic-toc-tic-toc...minutes pour like frozen molasses...an attempt at sleep would be futile...impatience...i feel like a child on Christmas eve...he is the shiny new tricycle, and all I am left with here is coal.
Some thing's missing...minus one-half...if absence makes the heart grow fond, then consider me smitten...the four day weekly leave has become unbearable...the desire...the necessity...the need to have your hands on me...the force that is you is a force to be reckoned with...apprehensive and the turn of every sentence...mustn't be 'emotionally slutty' bu revealing too much too soon...for that in itself would be the demise of this current bliss.
As regretfully expected, the warmth turns to coldness...in an instant everything is changed...I must push away with the force of a thousand men...a good offense is the best defense-right?...self-preservation is the name of my game...must hurt him before he hurts me-whoops, too late...everyone is camouflaged...everyone is working undercover...this is an abrupt ending to the movie...the outcome, of course, is nothing close to expectations...in the future I must not leave my nose wide open.
**This was written during one of my first monogamous relationship in years. We had been seeing each other almost two months and he wanted to "wait" to take the relationship to the next level because he "didn't want to mess it up". Which is all well and good, but then I got a phone call from a non-involved third party letting me know that he had been sleeping with not one, but two of my acquaintances. Lesson learned.
___________________________________________________________________
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Current Mood: Discontent
Title: Bon Voyage! Love, Xanax**
Hello there, friend...the all-too-familiar feeling hits...a sloth-like blanket of numbness covers me...I welcome the functionally-impaired reactions...it's like there are microscopic weights on my eyelids...thoughts are processed, but not hyper-analyzed...my heart is slowed to a bearable level...I now can make my escape...my exodus, if you will...
This feeling is immeasurable welcomed...it seems most of my life has been measured by how many hours I've been awake vs. asleep...I long for an infinite night...an everlasting string of good wine, exciting trysts, and no daylight...a world made made not of annoyingly chipper morning birds and coffee for corporate America, but unforgettable laughs and butterflies-inducing looks from across the room.
**I was deep down in an anti-anxiety haze and felt like trying to describe how it felt. Gotta love those little blues!
___________________________________________________________________
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Current Mood: Missing the Deceased
Title: Mental Ghost**
I close my eyes...in that brief moment, a quick lightening bolt of memory flashes...how he stroked my hair as my head lay on his lap...in that moment, so comfortable...exhaling as if for the first time ever...he would just let me be...just be...unfortunately our first kiss would be the last...also it would be the last time to look at his sweet face.
Then there is a necessity to reconstruct...assemble the worthy pieces that remain after demolition.
Be sure to close your eyes...drink him in...capture a mental picture and carve it in stone...unaware of when it's the last...never knowing if there's another chance to place your eyes on love.
**About three years prior to me writing this, a great friend of mine, WBC, was killed in a car crash. He got behind the wheel when he had too much to drink. It was a great loss made even more unbearable by he fact that he and I were playing phone tag in the month previous to his death. I had decided that I wanted to confess that I was in love with him. I never got that chance. To this day, I still have yet to meet anyone as genuine and sweet as he was.
___________________________________________________________________
Monday, January 1, 2007
Current Mood: Thankful
Title: Chicken + Pickle**
He was my human life jacket.
I was rapidly sinking in a quicksand of consecutive tragedies, was almost out of air, as near to death as ever before.
Then, unexpectedly, out came the sun. Out he came-burning my pale blue skin...keeping me warm...thawing my heart, and saving me from frostbite. In turn, the flowers began to grow again, making the air smell sweet.
He sutured my heart...making me want to heal it myself.
Even though we did not last, he will always be my knight in shimmery armor...and for that, I am eternally greatfull.
**About a year and a half prior to me writing this one, my best friend, DWO, was killed on his motorcycle. He was hit by a drunk driver that crossed three lanes to do so. That drunk driver killed the only person who ever knew me, and in an instant changed my life forever. DWO was going to be married in a couple months, had he survived. I miss him every day and am confident that my heart (nor I for that matter) will ever be healed from the pain of his absence.
A co-worker and I started dating not too long after my friend's death and I feel in some small way he brought me back from the dead. I was just feeling very greatful.
___________________________________________________________________
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Current Mood: Contemplative
Title: Blue Collar Love
His voice pulsates through my veins, slow and sweet like honey. His masculinity makes all my feminist ideals want to bow down and kiss the feet of their new Emperor.
I feel the roughness of his American Dream hands trace up and down the flesh of my back, and I am convinced that I could die happy in this moment of temporary Utopia.
He: Captivates, Intrigues, Excites, and Inspires me with nearly every move that he makes.
He: Is the catalyst of this record-breaking heart rate. Surely the poor, tired muscle will give in and combust...turning my insides into a gooey ice-age.
Here I am, forcing myself against my will out of his bead that I am figuratively chained to. I WILL procrastinate making my escape until the very last possible moment...postponing my exodus from the never dull, tantalizing place otherwise known as 'just laying next to him'.
**I think this one speaks for itself. This one is for a slightly more mature gentleman who I had the fortune of spending a handful of evenings with.
__________________________________________________________________
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Current Mood: Sympathetic
Title: The Fisherman
Shiny and attractive, glimmer-exuding want and desire...the Lure catches the eye and it's as if it is begging for you to play with it...taunting you every second with its little dance.
Be careful, there is no preventing what is to come next. These sharp edges will, in fact, cut you every time. You will be hooked with such depth and ease-like a knife penetrating warm butter. It is stubborn and strong in its grasp as to not let you escape...it will capture and keep you against your will, and before you realize, you will enjoy this kidnapping.
The inevitable is over. You have been thrown back to the site of your abduction...left for dead. Hurt and disoriented, it takes you eons to get over the completely unexplainable previous events. But by that time, you are already on your way to engage in a dance with a shiny new lure.
**I have this pattern that I have tried (and am still trying) to break: I fixate on someone. Work my ass off to get them. Once goal is obtained, I lose interest and move on to something else. This is, in my opinion, the ugliest part of me. It is a daily battle to achieve self-awareness, if for no other reason, to prevent hurting others. It rarely works out in my favor, but I have yet to give up the fight.
_________________________________________________________________
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
You don't know what you have til it's gone
My best friend is 100 X's more courageous than I, because she has this annoying habit of moving either across the country form me, or to another hemisphere altogether. This girl is so special. I swear if she had a penis, we would already be married and on our way towards a lifetime of bliss by now.
Most of my thoughts of her are split between overwhelming pride for her and crippling sadness because she is not here. The sadness usually manifests itself into a mini-depression because realistically, she will probably never live here again.
So what should one do in this situation?
I am so proud of her that there are no words to truly express it. I admire her for her strength and aspire to one day have a fraction of her balls. And simultaneously I am stuck in this perpetual "break-up" phase. It's like the movie, Groundhog Day, and every day I wake up to realize that my hetero-soul mate has moved away and is never returning.
We still keep in touch. It's not like she has just dropped off of the planet. But our lives have conflicting schedules, not to mention the 28 hour time-difference. But it is difficult.
I guess I should feel lucky to even have the privilege of knowing such an amazing creature, and quit my whining.
C.A.T.
Most of my thoughts of her are split between overwhelming pride for her and crippling sadness because she is not here. The sadness usually manifests itself into a mini-depression because realistically, she will probably never live here again.
So what should one do in this situation?
I am so proud of her that there are no words to truly express it. I admire her for her strength and aspire to one day have a fraction of her balls. And simultaneously I am stuck in this perpetual "break-up" phase. It's like the movie, Groundhog Day, and every day I wake up to realize that my hetero-soul mate has moved away and is never returning.
We still keep in touch. It's not like she has just dropped off of the planet. But our lives have conflicting schedules, not to mention the 28 hour time-difference. But it is difficult.
I guess I should feel lucky to even have the privilege of knowing such an amazing creature, and quit my whining.
C.A.T.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
You always remember your first
Well hello, blogoshpere! You have the pleasure(debatable) to be reading my very first blog!
This will be just a quick hello/intro, really.
I recently decided to start blogging, despite my initial hesitations, for a number of reasons:
1) I used to write. Correction: I used to write A LOT. Mostly "prose-y poetry", and the majority of it was drippy and sad. Seeing as it was the late, great, Charles Bukowski whom inspired me to begin writing, I don't see how the dark tones could have been avoided.
2) It has been a few years since I have written anything, and one day I hope to explain the reasons for my reluctance to pick it up again.
3) I have been feeling a bit antsy lately and feel it is time to explore a creative outlet.
4) I'm too lazy to hand-write said desired "outlet", and anyway I type way better (thanks JC for spellcheck).
If you Internet friends would like to read my blog, you are more than welcome. Please take into consideration before commenting that I respond better to constructive, and non-aggressive criticism. Also, please know that I (almost compulsively)over-punctuate with hyphens, exclamation marks, side-thoughts in parenthesis, and ellipsis. So please if, as a reader, these things bug you...exit stage-left. :-)
I hope to be sharing more soon!
C.A.T.
This will be just a quick hello/intro, really.
I recently decided to start blogging, despite my initial hesitations, for a number of reasons:
1) I used to write. Correction: I used to write A LOT. Mostly "prose-y poetry", and the majority of it was drippy and sad. Seeing as it was the late, great, Charles Bukowski whom inspired me to begin writing, I don't see how the dark tones could have been avoided.
2) It has been a few years since I have written anything, and one day I hope to explain the reasons for my reluctance to pick it up again.
3) I have been feeling a bit antsy lately and feel it is time to explore a creative outlet.
4) I'm too lazy to hand-write said desired "outlet", and anyway I type way better (thanks JC for spellcheck).
If you Internet friends would like to read my blog, you are more than welcome. Please take into consideration before commenting that I respond better to constructive, and non-aggressive criticism. Also, please know that I (almost compulsively)over-punctuate with hyphens, exclamation marks, side-thoughts in parenthesis, and ellipsis. So please if, as a reader, these things bug you...exit stage-left. :-)
I hope to be sharing more soon!
C.A.T.
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